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My IVF Blog

Even Miracles take a little time ……

Why Me …

I typed into google in my self pity “Why me”, nothing else just “Why Me”. As if by some miracle a search engine would contain all the answers to my life problems, click and I would no longer be infertile, click and I could also sort out world peace while I was at it.

A You Tube video popped up in the results and I clicked on it.  The first advert for the video was Clearblue pregnancy tests, boasting that it can tell you how long you have been pregnant for! Bet you can’t tell me how long I will have to wait to get pregnant I thought.

Whatever your religious or non religious beliefs, whoever is watching over me certainly has got a sense of humour. I can just imagine them sat in a large arm chair, rocking backwards and forwards, playfully thinking ‘Let’s tease her a little in the hopes she realises how stupid she is looking for answers on a search engine!’

Regardless of my stupidity, I seek answers and comfort that I am not the reason for the infertility,  that it isn’t because of something I have or haven’t done, or because I am a bad person. These are all thoughts that have passed through my mind at sometime or another. I have often had conversations with God in the attempts of bribing him into getting what I want. Some of my conversations have gone as follows:

“Hey God, if you help me get pregnant, I won’t eat chocolate, and will eat fresh fruit and veg thoroughout my pregnancy. Can’t promise after, but certainly not for nine months”

” Hey God, my maternity pay is great, and if I get pregnant now, I can give birth at Christmas- just like Jesus ” 

“Hey God, I want a different trial, I have had enough of this one now. I promise I will learn more from the next one”

“God, I won’t believe in you anymore, unless you perform this miracle on me”

After watching several spiritual videos:

“Hey God, so I want you, your love and your guidance more than I want a baby … can I have a baby now?”

Looking at those conversations, I still question why he wouldn’t think I would make an excellent Mother, teaching the world how to manipulate, whinge like a baby and be able to bribe with the best of them !

All Sarcasm and jokes aside, I have often looked around and judged people who are shouting, ignoring or arguing with their child, that I could do a better job – just give me a chance. But the truth is I have no idea if that is the case, I have an idealistic view of a situation that I am not in, and then judge those who are. How many of us are guilty of doing that?

How many of us think a trial is a result of being a bad person or a punishment, and if we aren’t then why aren’t we getting the help to make it better?  Because the world is not here to make it better, bad things happen to good people and this is no reflection on us. However hard the struggle and the pain felt, we can actually feel immense happiness from the learnings of our hardships.
“But some people get handed everything on a plate and I don’t want to learn anymore” I hear you say. Well neither do I some days, but I know my learning and growth will make me a better person, I will be able to contribute to society and offer insight into situations others are unable to. I will be able to connect, love others better than someone who is unable to empathise. I now have greater patience and persistence, there is still room for improvement, but they are still greater than before. My trial isn’t teaching me how to have a baby, or how to make me feel bad, it’s teaching me strength I didn’t know I had and however hard I trip or fall, forget or bribe along the waym I become a greater person with each step.

 

 

 

 

 

 

People say the strangest things…

Have you ever been asked that awkward question “Do you have any kids?” or “So when are you going to get pregnant?” And when you do, it cuts through you like a knife? But you gulp and smile and say “No, not yet”. It’s just another reminder that you are facing the challenge of infertility.

But what do you say to someone who is actually going through that challenge? I have asked myself that question so many times, what would I actually like to hear when my cycle has been cancelled, the eggs failed to fertilise or I get another negative pregnancy test? I have heard so many times people say “I know my friend’s, dog’s, cousin’s cat who eventually got pregnant. You will get there!”or “There is always next time!”. Whilst it’s a nice gesture and I know they mean well, for me its was just another reminder that it happened to someone else and not me.

What I really want to know is that I am loved and everything is going to be OK! By OK I don’t mean I get pregnant, I mean that my life will be happy regardless of the outcome. The most amazing gift anyone gave me when I was in the grief of a failed cycle, was the largest hug possible and  a reminder of the amazing things I have in my life already. I have so many blessings that I ignore, or take for granted when I am blinded by my craving for a child.  I have a husband who attends every session with me, holds my hand through injections, drives miles to the shop to get me chocolate when all my hormones are over the place and I live another day to try and try again.

I realised that I find it really difficult to know the right words to say to someone who is experiencing a tough time. I find it particularly difficult to make it sound sincere and like I genuinely care, rather than just a halfhearted sympathetic “there, there”. Because truth be told, I am so usually wrapped up in my own emotions and just putting one step in front of the other, I can’t actually begin to appreciate someone else’s pain or problems. I suppose, selfishly, I don’t want to take on that burden either. It’s because of this, I realised when I am looking to others to help me through my pain, most people are in the same boat, just with a different pain or trial to mine. So I’m going to be sympathetic to those who don’t understand, but are genuinely trying their best. I’m going to aspire to be a rock to someone and remind them of the beauty that is all around them, even in that deep dark cave and in turn, I know it will lighten my own cave.

Just remember whatever trial, whether it be infertility or something else, you are deeply loved and although today may look bleak, take a look around and see what beauty you can find, as it is always there – we have just closed our eyes.

Here we go again …

Tuesday 28th December 2016, the first day of my full bleed, here we go again.

I booked a scan for Day Two, but when I went the lining of my womb wasn’t thin enough, I needed to go back tomorrow in the hopes it was thinner.

Day Three, another scan; Success!!! My womb lining was thin enough and no cysts. This time I was on Bemfola and Menopur for five days.

Day Eight, back on the hospital for a scan and blood. My follicles were growing, but bloods came back as having high oestrogen levels, so they told me to drop the Menopur and carry on with the Bemfola. Back again in two days.

Day Ten, follies are looking fab on the screen, just need those pesky blood levels to be in a good range. Nope! too high again!  So I am told to take one Bemfola that evening and coast over the weekend and return Monday for a scan.

Day Thirteen, this is it! My follicles are ready for egg collection with about 7 above 18mm, and lots of others its going to be another big collection again. Bloods taken, I’m beginning to look like a junkie with all the bruising on my arms and legs! “We will phone you later, and tell you what time to take your HCG shot.” They say.

Only my bloods had now shot up to an E2 of 27000, way over the 20000 cut off for egg collection. The Nurse advises “You will need to coast for one more day and hope your bloods come down enough for egg collection on Friday instead.”

Day Fourteen, praying that my E2 level have dropped enough for egg collection. Waiting patiently all afternoon for that phone call, when it finally does come I just want to know either way now, I’m fed up of this roller coaster ride.

My E2 levels have dropped to 9000, which means the egg quality is now not viable and the cycle in cancelled…

 

Starting IVF…

At an appointment with the Consultant, he advised we should try IVF. This was it, download-1something that was finally going to work right. 40% odds for people below aged 30. Lets go!

So we started the IVF short protocol, injecting Menopur for 10 days. My ovaries aren’t particularly fond of this treatment, and started to over respond. Luckily my oestrogen levels didn’t rise too high, and I made it too egg collection!.

 

As I caimg_4037me round, my husband preceded to tell me that I had been talking about Christmas Crackers in my sleep and that I had ordered him to get me some food. I should think so, given it’s a painful procedure! I quickly asked him excitedly ” How many eggs did they get?”. “Guess” he replied. He has this particularly annoying habit of leaving me in suspense when he knows it will create the greatest impact.

29!!  How is that even possible? They collected 29 eggs!

The doctor came round and explained that I had mild OHSS, but said not to worry and with careful monitoring, I would be fine, and off they sent me home. We spent the rest of the evening guessing how many eggs would be fertilised and were looking forward to seeing them grow on the embryo scope.

The next day came and I waited patiently from the embryologist to let me know the success rate. When they finally rang, my heart was in my mouth, the first words she spoke were “I’m really sorry, it’s bad news!” I could have cried then and there without hearing the rest of what she had to say. “None of your eggs fertilised” she continued.

How could that be?! I frantically googled and searched forums for someone else it had happened to, just for some relief. I had planned it all, I had kept it a secret from my family, because I was going to get pregnant and surprise them on Christmas day. Why was the universe doing this to me!

They arranged an emergency appointment with the consultant to discuss what had happened. He couldn’t tell us why, other than it was likely to be a binding issue,  but reassured us that  ICSI, where they inject the sperm into the egg, should relieve that problem. I could start the short protocol again on the day of my next bleed…..

Start of the Journey

Having always had irregular period and been trying to conceive for year with no
luck, my
GP referred me for further test only to confirm what I always suspected I had PCOS. (The chin hair and mustache were a bit of a give away!)

So we started on our assisted fertility journey with Clomid:

50mg – No responsepcos-cartoon-2-babies

100mg – Cyst

100mg – No response

150mg – Cyst

150mg – No response!!!!!!

Turns out I’m Clomid resistant. Typical!

Not to worry I can now either have a procedure called Ovarian Drilling, or go onto the slightly more hardcore drugs and start IUI.

Having decided I didn’t want my “Ovaries Drilled” I opted for the IUI.

First Attempt – Failed,

Second Attempt – Failed,

Third Attempt – Failed.

Now what?

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