I typed into google in my self pity “Why me”, nothing else just “Why Me”. As if by some miracle a search engine would contain all the answers to my life problems, click and I would no longer be infertile, click and I could also sort out world peace while I was at it.
A You Tube video popped up in the results and I clicked on it. The first advert for the video was Clearblue pregnancy tests, boasting that it can tell you how long you have been pregnant for! Bet you can’t tell me how long I will have to wait to get pregnant I thought.
Whatever your religious or non religious beliefs, whoever is watching over me certainly has got a sense of humour. I can just imagine them sat in a large arm chair, rocking backwards and forwards, playfully thinking ‘Let’s tease her a little in the hopes she realises how stupid she is looking for answers on a search engine!’
Regardless of my stupidity, I seek answers and comfort that I am not the reason for the infertility, that it isn’t because of something I have or haven’t done, or because I am a bad person. These are all thoughts that have passed through my mind at sometime or another. I have often had conversations with God in the attempts of bribing him into getting what I want. Some of my conversations have gone as follows:
“Hey God, if you help me get pregnant, I won’t eat chocolate, and will eat fresh fruit and veg thoroughout my pregnancy. Can’t promise after, but certainly not for nine months”
” Hey God, my maternity pay is great, and if I get pregnant now, I can give birth at Christmas- just like Jesus ”
“Hey God, I want a different trial, I have had enough of this one now. I promise I will learn more from the next one”
“God, I won’t believe in you anymore, unless you perform this miracle on me”
After watching several spiritual videos:
“Hey God, so I want you, your love and your guidance more than I want a baby … can I have a baby now?”
Looking at those conversations, I still question why he wouldn’t think I would make an excellent Mother, teaching the world how to manipulate, whinge like a baby and be able to bribe with the best of them !
All Sarcasm and jokes aside, I have often looked around and judged people who are shouting, ignoring or arguing with their child, that I could do a better job – just give me a chance. But the truth is I have no idea if that is the case, I have an idealistic view of a situation that I am not in, and then judge those who are. How many of us are guilty of doing that?
How many of us think a trial is a result of being a bad person or a punishment, and if we aren’t then why aren’t we getting the help to make it better? Because the world is not here to make it better, bad things happen to good people and this is no reflection on us. However hard the struggle and the pain felt, we can actually feel immense happiness from the learnings of our hardships.
“But some people get handed everything on a plate and I don’t want to learn anymore” I hear you say. Well neither do I some days, but I know my learning and growth will make me a better person, I will be able to contribute to society and offer insight into situations others are unable to. I will be able to connect, love others better than someone who is unable to empathise. I now have greater patience and persistence, there is still room for improvement, but they are still greater than before. My trial isn’t teaching me how to have a baby, or how to make me feel bad, it’s teaching me strength I didn’t know I had and however hard I trip or fall, forget or bribe along the waym I become a greater person with each step.